martes, 29 de noviembre de 2011

If 6 was 9.

Buenos días.

Estos dias, como habreis podido deducir por mis anteriores posts, no estoy precisamente en mi mejor momento. Necesito muchas cosas que no puedo conseguir por mi mismo. Siento la impotencia del que no depende de si mismo y se siente como un muñeco en manos de un niño travieso. Tan pronto puedo recibir un abrazo como ser lanzado contra la pared, aparentemente por ninguna razón en concreto.

Siento que esta aventura que empezó a gestarse hace ahora exactamente un año no ha salido exactamente como esperaba, pero también se que solo me queda la resignación y seguir adelante. No hay vuelta atrás por muchas razones, algunas de ellas tan prosaicas como la falta de trabajo y dinero en España. Asi que dada esa situación, cuando todos mis ahorros han financiado esta aventura, no me queda otra que sacarla adelante a cualquier precio y como sea. Simplemente no hay vuelta atras, solo puedo mirar hacia delante.

Por el camino he dejado atrás casi todo lo que me importa, mis posesiones, mi casa, las personas que me han querido y han compartido mi vida... Bueno, ese es otro episodio que duele demasiado como para meterlo en la aventura Estonia, y aunque que haya acabado aqui ha sido una consecuencia mas o menos directa de eso, prefiero dejar el tema aparte por ahora. Tengo ya demasiadas emociones negativas con las que lidiar sin añadir extras. Y hay otra cosa, quizas la mas importante, que sin haberla dejado atras, es tan dificil de sentir y disfrutar debido a la distancia que parece algo del pasado. Vosotros, mis amigos, mi gente.

Cuando llegue aqui sabía que tendría un vacío enorme, sabía que podria sentirme solo, pero pensaba que ese vacío no sería tan grande o al menos sería mas llevadero por tener a alguien conocido aqui también.

Siempre he sido bastante solitario, nunca he necesitado demasiado al presencia física de alguien para sentirme bien y bueno, todos los que me conoceis bien sabeis que mis ultimos 3 años han sido de ermitaño, salvo que alguien viniese a verme a mi casa era realmente dificil verme, no salía nunca y simplemente con mi PC, la Xbox y la tele tenía relativamente cubiertas mis necesidades de ocio, sin para ello necesitar interactuar con gente. Esa podría ser la situación aqui, o un buen entrenamiento al menos, pero hay una diferencia fundamental, extremadamente importante, que hace que todo lo que me haya podido aislar en el pasado no me sirva de nada aqui. Cuando estaba en esa fase, durante y justo despues de mi depresión tras la muerte de mi padre, para mi el estar solo era una elección, pero siempre tenía a mi gente arropandome, esperando a que saliese de mi cueva para darme un abrazo. Una llamada de teléfono era todo lo que necesitaba para poder hacer un plan, para poder charlar sobre todo o nada, según fuese el dia. Para ir a ver a alguien o recibir una visita.

Eso es algo que si he dejado atras, o para ser mas preciso, no atrás, sino en España. Aqui el hacer una llamada de teléfono solo me lleva a un NO, el llamar para simplemente hablar de lo que sea y no sentirme solo o contactar por skype obtiene un "Estoy ocupad@" o a una respuesta cortante por el estilo (cuando hay respuesta), proponer un plan sabiendo cual va a ser la respuesta se me hace cada vez mas duro a medida que pasan los meses. El ser rechazado una y otra vez, sumado a la soledad me ha comido la moral hasta límites insospechados, incluso cuando estaba en ese agujero negro que todo lo absorbe llamado depresión, tenía la seguridad de que era mi elección el tener compañia para desahogarme o no. Ahora si la sigo teniendo, pero solo llamando a España. Aqui no he conseguido eso ni nada que se le parezca. Las pocas opciones que tengo de hablar con alguien aqui fuera del trabajo siempre tienen cualquier otra cosa mejor que hacer. Cualquier disculpa es buena y todo, absolutamente todo es mas importante que yo. No puedo juzgarlo, me he visto en el otro lado de esta historia, trayendo a alguien a mi pais desde otro sitio totalmente diferente. En mi caso al menos hice todo lo posible por ayudar en la adaptación y por supuesto ni una solo dia deje de preguntar acerca de como se sentia o como podia ayudarla a sentirse mejor, pero esta claro que cada uno es diferente. Durante muchos meses no he podido entenderlo, aún a dia de hoy me cuesta, pero lo entienda o no es lo que hay. Si quiero sobrevivir a esta aventura solo podre hacerlo solo y sin apoyos. Si en un momento dado tengo algun tipo de contacto social intentare disfrutarlo tanto como pueda, pero lo que está visto que no puedo hacer es esperar nada de nadie aqui. Lo unico que puedo conseguir con eso es dolor, frustración e impotencia.

Asi que a partir del 7 de Enero, cuando lamentablemente tendre que volver de España, empezará un nuevo episodio de esta aventura. Un episodio donde estaré solo ante el peligro, pero sabiendolo. Donde solamente mi trabajo y mis propios recursos seran los que me saquen adelante. No contando con nadie mas para nada. Si he podido soportarlo con cierta soltura cuando era una elección debería ser capaz de soportarlo tambien cuando no lo es. No?

En fin, creo que debo dejar de escribir por hoy, esto de escribir párrafos, o líneas, o a veces palabras sueltas entre llamada y llamada me estan haciendo perder la concentración. En realidad casi todo lo que he escrito hoy ha salido solo y sin pensar. De hecho y como experimento no pienso ni revisarlo hasta que llegue a casa, tal y como lo he sentido lo leereis (si sois rapidos al menos).

A todos los que siempre habeis estado a mi lado, apoyandome en los buenos y malos momentos. gracias, de verdad.

lunes, 28 de noviembre de 2011

With a little help from my friends.

Good morning.

Today i woke up more or less in the same mood i was yesterday. I guess the weather doesn't really help to feel any other thing than sadness. Today we are about 3 degrees, but there is a really strong wind that freezes everything, including my soul.

I don't really know if what i tried to write yesterday could be understood, and anyway i write this just for me, to keep some kind of record of what i was living when i wrote it. I will know for sure what i meant when i wrote it and as far as i really can't count on anyone else but me and maybe my family -and luckily most of them doesn't know about this blog- doesn't really matter if the other readers i can have, some of them friends, some of them just curious but nothing else, can understand it. If you are a friend and have doubts about what i wanted to say, or even what does it mean, because i'm aware quite many of my spanish friends needs our dear google translator to read me, just ask. Being friends probably you know how to reach me.

Everyday i wake up like after a nightmare, hoping that everything is nothing but a bad dream. Hoping that someone will call me to know how i'm doing, someone will send me a mail suggesting a plan, someone will say good morning on skype, wahtever... But everyday i see how my hopes are completely useless and no matter how strong i can hope it, it just won't happen.

So that's it, that's the life i have to live, under those conditions. By my own and alone. I gave up on any other thing. I won't have more than what i have, so it's pointless to put my hopes on something that will never happen, that will only frustrate me, and that is the last thing i need.

The only message i want to send today is for you people, my real friends in Spain. Please don't let me down you too when i arrive in 3 weeks. I really need you all. You are the only thing i have and what i need the most is to feel loved by you. I know there is no need to ask for that, but still i want to do it. Just 3 weeks and i'll be at home to recharge my batteries and recover my self esteem. I love you all.

Hugs & Kisses.

PS: This is written at work, so don't pay so much attention about how it is written. The only reason why it is in english is to not mess up my head with two languages while i'm working (in english).

domingo, 27 de noviembre de 2011

A Winter's tale.

Hello all,

It's being a while since the last time i wrote in here. I promised myself this blog should be about to share my adventures in Estonia, positive thoughts and experiences, to show everyone that i could make it and maybe to inspire someone to do something like i did. But to be honest that didn't happen, since my last post i wasn't in the situation of writing anything nice. I've been sad, lonely and trying to figure out how to change the way i'm living.

So many things happened in those last months, almost none was even close to be good, and the very few things that could happen to me that were good enough to refill my patience a bit, I just tried to enjoy them as much as possible instead of writing them. I guess i was too needed of positive feelings and i hadn't time to write or think about them. Just to feel them and try to enjoy them as much as possible.

Just to put you in situation about my life I will make a small briefing now about the my life since the last post. Maybe not so many details, but at least the main things that could change since then,

Since August i'm living alone in a tiny apartment. It's near enough from work to not have to wake up 3 hours before I have to start my workday. The look of it could be better, but it's not bad at all, just sad, like everything else in here i guess. 50 m2 that became my cell. A cell where it's me who has the keys to leave it or lock myself inside anytime. Surprisingly the second option, to lock myself inside, became the most popular option. At least now i have a guitar to share my feelings with and the best present I've ever made to myself, a Kindle, my faithful mate who comes with me everywhere i go and provides me an automatic disconnection of this world, letting me get lost in other people's words every time i need to escape from here for a while.

Since i moved here my social life just ended. The people i knew just faded away and i can be for weeks (or months) without speaking with anyone else outside of the work hours, and now that the winter is already here it will only get worse. There are no more barbecues in the garden, there are no more play time with those tiny two guys who stole my heart, there are no more breakfast conversations and of course the chances of having a night out are rare (last time was like a month and a half ago).

I even tried to go out alone and well... It was almost more painful that to be at home alone and with no plans. The feeling of being invisible was new for me and maybe because of the unexpected of it, or whatever other reason it was, the thing is that my morale fell down to limits i didn't know it could fall. The breaking point was when in one of those nights out alone i went to a restaurant where I've been quite many times already. I picked up a tiny table (just for one) just in front of the bar. There were three bartenders that night in there and i could see how they were coming once and again just in front of my table, just to in the very last moment turn and go to any other table to write down their orders. Three whole tables were attended before i even had the chance of order when they arrived there after me. In the end i needed 45 minutes to order and about 15 to eat and get out of there with my invisibility elven cape on. When i was going back to the area where most of the bars are i found a group of girls, a bachelorette party. They were wearing those disgusting bunny ears, fake plastic boobs outside the dresses and all the penis shaped complements you can imagine. I thought at least with them i could laugh a bit, the kind of gross jokes that you can expect from a group like them or whatever. But  in the end what happened was a bit different, when we were about to meet in the same side of the street they just decided to change the side of the street. Not even one curious look was dedicated to me, but of course i was wearing the invisibility cape, so probably they couldn't see me at all.

I have quite may other experiences like those, but as i said in the very beginning of this post, this shouldn't be a sad blog, so i'll keep all those experiences for me. There's no need to depress or worry anybody else.

This weekend i had some hopes. I guess i needed to write today just to not freak out. There was a chance of meeting people (or i thought so) because the Christmas is about to arrive, the weekends from now will be busy for sure with the shopping, the Christmas arrangements, other events that are "mandatory" and so on, so i really thought in this weekend i could have a kind of pre-Christmas night out, just to say good bye before i go. In 3 weeks i'm going to Spain and i really thought someone could have mercy and meet me for a while. But no. My weekend plan was The Godfather, The Godfather II and few chapters of the series i'm following. This could be a good plan a year and a half ago, when i was so depressed that to go out was almost scary. When anyway i always had the chance to make a phone call, just one, and i knew i had a beer & tapas plan arranged for sure, if not a night out plan. When the chance of having a plan is there, just waiting for you to do it, sometimes you don't have to worry about it, you don't feel that it's so important as it is. When the possibilities are gone. When every social need that you can have depends on other people and there are really few chances to find out how to make a plan. When everything else is more important than you... well, in that moment you can realize how big were your errors in the past.

The time to complaint, the time to say how unfare is all of this is over i guess. I don't have any other chance. I can't make friends, i couldn't even keep the ones were supposed to be my friends, and that's all. I decided to come, i decided to leave my whole life apart and start a new one. And i did. Now i just need to figure out how to be successful in this one, and i have to do it alone, because is how i am. Alone.

Now i'm going to make some lunch. It's almost dinner time in here, but today i stayed in bed all day, after all i hadn't anything else to do.

Take care.

miércoles, 13 de julio de 2011

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

Good night readers.

Sometimes people has revelations, most of the times the revealed things are things that always were there, but for one or another reason people just don't want to see them. I had a revelation, so i'm going to speak in first person for this post.

There isn't a most powerful distortion than the one that you can create by your own. Sometimes you just prefer to think nice, positive, even friendly, about evil facts, or persons. "It must be me, it can't be like that" -you think- but the facts shows once and again just the opposite, so one day you just open your eyes and see the things like they really are. After that you can't be blinded by the sun again, not by that sun at least. From that point everything can be seen clearly and can be surprising the amount of details that you never saw before.

It´s like if after being lying under the sun for a while you go to a dark room, and when your pupils reacts and gets used to the darkness you discover that the room is full of dead bodies. They were there since you came in, but you only could see them after a while, and when you really discover what's inside the room the shock is guaranteed.

Sometimes people can be like dark rooms too. Dark rooms full of dead rotten bodies. The previous victims of that blindness. The cannibalism isn't an old fashioned cultural topic of some lost islands in the pacific. Modern cannibalism exists too in our society, but instead of human flesh, what those cannibals eat are souls.

Those cannibals are most of the times as cowards as the poor Robert Ford. They just drain everything of their victims with a smile in the face, using friendship or love to show themselves, but hidden under layers and layers is where the real monsters live. Pretending to be nice and charming persons they hide demons inside. They use their power -always based on the force and never in the morale- to satisfy themselves and their egos. They will never face the consequences of their acts, the destruction and devastation that they leave behind, just as if they were Attila's horse. There is no shame or honor, so there is no problems to throw the stone and hide the hand. They show no mercy. Never.

Be aware of those monsters my friends, there are too many of them and they live with us. Don't let yourselves be glamored by the first sight. Always dig inside, question yourselves about what you see and feel, and if you can find the tiniest trace of this rotten behavior, just run away from it before it's too late and it will eat your souls.

Now i just wonder how to live with no soul, mine was eaten, chewed and spitted back in my face. Just for the fun of it. For the very first time in a very very long time i have doubts about my Karma. I just can't wait until time will put everyone in the right place. If i weren't feeling so weak and ashamed about my mistakes in the perception, probably i would fight back for myself, fuck the Karma. I prefer to deal with angry Karma than to live ashamed for one of those soul eaters again.

I am alone and scared, if you love me and you can, please come to see me.

sábado, 9 de julio de 2011

Stories from the City, Stories from the Sea

Buenos días,

hoy me he levantado bastante bien, casi feliz y eso es algo que durante estas ultimas semanas ha sido muy raro de ver. Me ha pasado de todo, casi nada bueno, pero sobre todo he tenido que tragar con muchas cosas que no quería tragar y me han pasado factura, literalmente.


Como veréis el post de hoy será en español y también probablemente largo. De las mas de 3000 visitas que ha tenido este blog desde que lo abrí, aproximadamente la mitad han sido de España, pero por deferencia a los visitantes extranjeros y por mi propia comodidad últimamente solo he escrito en inglés. Aun así hoy siento que necesito usar todos mis recursos para lo que quiera que vaya a contar -aun no se lo que- en el post de hoy, y pese a que mi ingles no es demasiado malo, definitivamente mi español es mejor.


Ahora mismo son casi las dos de la tarde, estoy dentro de una nube y huele a mar. Supongo que esto también me inspira y me trae muchos recuerdos de mi Galicia natal. Morriñoso? Eso siempre, como cualquier gallego que se precie y que haya iniciado una aventura como la mía, pero pese a todo hoy es un buen día.


Esta semana ha sido muy dura. La búsqueda de un nuevo piso, un sitio donde empezar lo que será mi vida aquí sin "madrinas" que me ayuden, es de lo mas deprimente. Primero porque los pisos y apartamentos, o el mercado inmobiliario en general, en Tallinn son una autentica pesadilla. Hay muchísima oferta, pero poquísima calidad y eso deprime mucho.


Los precios son asequibles a priori, puedes estar mirando en una web tranquilamente y ver un apartamento por 100€ al mes, pero como he dicho antes, aquí el mercado inmobiliario es una auténtica pesadilla. Primero porque lo que te cueste un alquiler al mes no es ni mucho menos el precio de tu renta. Hay que tener en cuenta las facturas y en el caso de un país que esta en el paralelo 60 y pegado al mar báltico debes de tener en cuenta que, pese a que desde que desde que he llegado esto parece España y el 90% de los días hemos estado por encima de los 25º, el invierno será totalmente lo contrario. Seis meses de nieve y frío intenso, con su correspondiente recibo de calefacción asociado. En general los precios de todos los suministros son mas baratos que en España, el agua, gas, electricidad e Internet. Incluso la calefacción lo es, pero claro, en España no sueles necesitar calentar tu piso porque en la calle hay -25º y aquí si. Durante 5 o 6 meses al año. Además de eso la inmensa mayoría de los edificios tienen un sistema de calefacción de lo mas peculiar. La calefacción no es solo que sea comunitaria, es que es de la ciudad. Me explico, en cada barrio o cada zona hay unas calderas monstruosas que proporcionan la calefacción a los edificios -y por ende a los pisos y apartamentos- y que es obligatorio tener y pagar. No se puede apagar ni decidir tu gasto. Supongo que esta es una herencia del pasado comunista de este país, pero a ojos de un españolito recién llegado resulta cuando menos sorprendente que puedas tener un recibo de calefacción de 150€ o 200€ sin haber pisado tu piso en todo el mes. Esto supone que aunque en una web puedas ver un piso que te guste por unos 150€ o 200€ al mes (los menos, todo hay que decirlo) el precio final por mes puede ser tranquilamente el doble o el triple de esa cantidad. Por usar terminología bursátil o bancaria, el fijo es pequeño pero el variable es sorprendentemente alto. Si consideramos ademas que el sueldo medio en Estonia no llega a los 400€, me pregunto como la gente puede independizarse aquí si no es casándose o viviendo en pareja.


Por otra parte hay que considerar también los pisos y apartamentos en si. Hasta hace 20 años este país era una de las partes mas olvidadas de la URSS primero y de Rusia después. Además de los problemas sociales que eso conlleva y que probablemente explicaré en otro post y otro día, en el tema que nos ocupa, el mercado inmobiliario, implica que gran parte de los edificios son de estilo soviético, muy poco Spanish-friendly. Algunos dan auténtico miedo. Y los que son de un estilo mas "europeo" cuestan infinitamente mas.


Todas estas peculiaridades del mercado inmobiliario implican que por cada piso que ves debas hacer números durante media horita para saber si realmente puedes permitirte pagarlo o no. Por poner un ejemplo concreto. La semana pasada vi un apartamento que me gustaba. Bien situado, recién remodelado, unos 60m2 y con baño "europeo". El precio del alquiler eran 350€ al mes. Contacté con el agente inmobiliario y me dijo que lo podíamos ver sin problemas, eso si, en caso de que lo alquilase tendría que depositar una fianza de un mes de renta y además su comisión sería de otro mes. Hasta aquí todo relativamente normal. Le pregunté acerca de las facturas y aquí empezó la pesadilla. Para empezar el edificio tenía unos gastos de comunidad que oscilaban entre 80€ y 90€/mes. Ademas había que sumar lo básico, electricidad, agua, gas e Internet. Eso supone unos 100€ o 150€ mas al mes pese a ser mucho mas barato que en España. Y ya por ultimo la calefacción. El recibo medio de el apartamento durante los meses de invierno del año pasado superaba ampliamente los 150€ al mes. Tras hacer los cálculos pertinentes descubrí horrorizado que el montante total por mes podía ser de unos 750€ y mi sueldo, que tranquilamente podría considerarse muy alto y apenas pasa de los 900€ después de impuestos. Todo esto en un sitio donde la comida es realmente cara siempre que pretendas comer mínimamente sano.


Como podéis imaginar la situación es realmente deprimente.


Además de todo esto, en el trabajo también he tenido una semana dura. Los nervios por el tema de la vivienda y alguna otra preocupación que tengo encima asociada a mi vida aquí se han organizado una fiesta estupenda en mi zona lumbar. Como consecuencia de esa fiesta el jueves tuve que quedarme en la cama. Tenía tales contracturas en la espalda que literalmente no me podía mover sin que se me saltasen las lágrimas de puro dolor.

A las 7:30 de la mañana llamé a mi "Team Leader" -estos americanos y sus cargos...- para contarle mi situación. me dijo que no me preocupase y que me pusiese bien pronto. En Estonia cuando te pones enfermo el primer día de ausencia al trabajo no se paga, pero es que además por diversas circunstancias, todavía no he podido registrarme como "ciudadano" estonio, así que no tengo un médico asignado. Los gastos de mi asistencia médica van por mi cuenta y además no puedo justificar en mi empresa mis ausencias. El caso es que estaba yo en la cama intentando estar lo mas quieto posible para que el dolor me dejase respirar al menos cuando recibí una llamada. Era mi manager desde UK. Quería interesarse por mi situación y saber lo que me había pasado. Le conté todo lo que le podía contar y me pidió que fuese a un fisioterapeuta -cosa que tenía pensado hacer igualmente ya que no podía soportar ese dolor- y que si era posible le pidiese un papel que justificase que había estado allí para entregarlo en Recursos Humanos.

Así que con todo mi dolor cogí el portátil y me puse a buscar fisioterapeutas en Tallinn que me pudiesen atender en el mismo día. Una de las amigas con las que vivo me había dado un contacto, pero no contestaba al teléfono, así que san google me dijo que trabajaba, ademas de en su propia consulta, en un estudio de quiroprácticos. Llamé allí y me dijeron que no era posible hacerme un hueco en ese mismo día, pero como necesitaba desesperadamente aliviar el dolor y también ese "justificante" que mi manager me había pedido le pedí que me proporcionara otro contacto que ellos me pudiesen recomendar. Así conocí al doctor Alan Oolo. Un canadiense que tiene mas de estrella que de fisioterapeuta. Le llamé y me hizo un hueco a las 14:45, así que me di una ducha como buenamente pude y me arrastré hasta la ciudad para ir a su consulta.


Nada mas llegar la primera en la frente. La secretaria mas borde que he visto -y he visto muchas- me esperaba en la puerta. Todavía no soy muy bueno con los acentos en estonio, pero juraría que se le escapó algún "osea, sabes?" Una pija de libro, cubierta de oro, con cara de asco me preguntó que que quería. Le comenté que había hablado con el Dr. Oolo y que tenía cita a las 14:45. Antes de dejarme continuar me dijo:

-Has hablado con el?
-Si.
-Por teléfono?
-Claro.
-Enséñame el número.

No daba crédito. Tuve que sacar mi móvil de la mochila y enseñarle mis llamadas para que se dignase a mirarme y decirme que esperase.


Tras una larga espera al fin me atendieron. Un rubiales de unos 50 años bien llevados me esperaba al fondo del pasillo con una sonrisa mas propia de un anuncio de dentífricos que de una persona humana. Tenía un moreno de solárium y vestía de blanco de pies a la cabeza.


El hombre se presentó. Tenía un acento terriblemente americano y mientras me hablaba y me daba su tarjeta vi que detrás de el había una pared llena de fotografías. En una estaba con David Bowie, en otra estaba con Bon Jovi, en otra con John Cusack... Y así cientos de fotos por toda la consulta, campeones olímpicos, actores, cantantes y otros famosos varios se amontonaban por toda la pared y en medio de todas esas fotos una portada del USA Today donde salia el y su sonrisa profident con el titular "El doctor Hollywood causa furor en LA".  Si no fuese porque no me podía mover apenas hubiese salido corriendo de allí en ese mismo momento.


Antes de empezar siquiera me estuvo hablando de su revolucionaria terapia llamada Trigenics (buscadlo en google y veréis que risas) y me enseñó una tabla de precios. La consulta de ese día iban a ser 200€ para que me diagnosticara y me diese un suave tratamiento. Risas.


En cuanto me quité la camiseta y vio mi espalda lo primero que dijo fue: Oh my god! Me eche a temblar en cuanto lo dijo. Iba a ser incluso mas caro.


Al parecer mi espalda es un cromo y de tanta tensión muscular todas las costillas del lado derecho se han desplazado de su sitio. Empezó a anotar extraños símbolos en un croquis del cuerpo humano y empezó con la terapia. Peleó durante mas de una hora contra mis músculos, pero todo lo que pudo sacar de ellos fue un pequeño chasquido en mi cuello y poco mas. Intentó aliviar la presión en mi espalda y consiguió que pudiese moverme, pero nada mas. Además tuve que hacerme unas radiografías que fueron otros 57€ y una cita para verlas al día siguiente a las 17:30.


Como mi hora de salida del trabajo es a las 18h y sabía que tendría problemas por el día perdido, le pedí que me hiciese un justificante conforme a que había estado allí y que tenia otra cita al día siguiente a esa hora.



Con toda esta información llamé a mi Team Leader y le comenté la situación. Le pregunté si había algún problema en empezar a trabajar una hora antes el viernes para poder salir a tiempo para mi cita sin perder mas horas y me dijo que no había problema.


Con todo esto y el dolor latente que todavía asolaba mi espalda me fui a casa como buenamente pude. Al llegar una cena con "mis chicas" y un amigo me esperaban. Cenamos, hablamos, vimos fotos antiguas y cuando por fin pude dormirme pasaban de las 2 de la mañana y debía levantarme a las 6.


Aun no se ni como, pero el caso es que pude levantarme e ir a trabajar pese al intenso dolor. Pero el día no había hecho mas que empezar.


Durante la mañana entregué en recursos humanos el justificante que se me había pedido, hable con mi manager en UK y le puse al día de la situación y soporté el dolor de la manera mas estoica posible, hasta que a media mañana recibí un mail de recursos humanos. Una amenaza velada acerca de mi registro como ciudadano estonio y la imposibilidad de trabajar aquí sin ese papel y de la posibilidad de ser expulsado del país. Además, en el estilo cariñoso que caracteriza a la gente de recursos humanos, una nota indicando que el papel que les había entregado iba a formar parte de la flota de Air Baltic, puesto que de cara a ellos no servía para nada.


Evidentemente monté en cólera, tanto dolor, tanto esfuerzo y sobre todo tanto dinero gastado para que me amenacen? Cualquiera que me conozca sabe que ese es el tipo de cosas que me transforma en un ogro furioso. Le pedí explicaciones a mi Team Leader y lo mejor que fue capaz de decirme fue que solo hacían su trabajo, pero que no me preocupase.


En este punto de la narración conviene recordar que en mi empresa, tan americana y llena de eslóganes y valores ella, el mas importante es "Trust" (confianza). Con perdón por la mala sangre que se me pone cada vez que lo oigo, leo o pienso... Confianza mis cojones!


A las dos horas del primer mail recibí otro. Este aun mejor. Me recordaban que para las ausencias no justificadas -con justificante- había que tener el permiso de mi manager, -el mismo que me llamo por la mañana y me dijo que no me preocupase- que ademas el día no se me iba a pagar -cosa que ya se me había repetido 3 veces y que tenía clara- y que el viernes tampoco, puesto que la cita que presenté no justificaba mi ausencia. No daba crédito. Ese día iba a trabajar 8 horas y media sin cobrar porque tenía una cita -carísima por cierto- con un fisioterapeuta después de mi jornada laboral. Creo que es fácil imaginar mi estado emocional en ese momento. Al borde de la lagrima por la frustración y el dolor de espalda, con ganas de destrozar la oficina y decir cuatro cosas a alguno/a antes de renunciar al trabajo y sobre todo con una infinita tristeza. Que coño hago yo aquí?


Me tragué el orgullo y la mala leche lo mejor que pude, cosa que he entrenado duramente estas ultimas semanas y esperé a que acabase la jornada. Me fui a mi cita con el Dr. Hollywood.

Esta vez consiguió que me estallasen casi todos los huesos de la espalda y que me pudiese mover algo mas que un click de famobil, algo es algo. Esta vez fueron 125€ por la consulta y dos mails con ejercicios para la espalda. Me ha citado para el 4 de agosto, justo después de un viaje a Los Angeles y Canadá que ha empezado hoy.


Con estos datos hace un balance de -400€ en fisioterapia, -100€ en nómina, sigo sin piso ni trazas de encontrarlo y tendré que pedir otra mañana mas en el trabajo para registrarme y lidiar con la burocracia estonia. Probablemente cuando pueda hacerlo me faltará algo y no podre registrarme pero perderé igualmente el tiempo y por ende el salario. Alguien da mas?


Y pese a todo hoy estoy meridianamente feliz.


Mundo extraño este en el que vivimos, verdad?


Besitos y abrazos.

martes, 5 de julio de 2011

The last survivor

Good evening,

last weeks had been so long and so short at the same time. So many things happened, my life didn't stop to change and at the same time i already have a routine. So, so many contradictory feelings are overwhelming me day after day and I'm exhausted.

So let's apology first of all because i couldn't keep my promise. Those last weeks i just couldn't write. My mood wasn't the right one, i was so tired because of my new life and also i was so damn busy most part of the time. Still i guess i had time enough to write few lines as i used to do before, but this shouldn't be a sad blog and writing like i was probably would turn into it, so i just preferred to think for myself, not writing anything of it.

After so long without writing i don't even know where i should start. Probably the most important thing is that i started to work.

Now I'm working for an American company, for now i will remain unsaid the name of the company, i know they read me often, and i remark that is an American company because they have American ways, which for me is like a pain in the ass. Now I'm starting to get used to it, but first weeks were so hard. I was about to quit several times.

First of all is that they control everything you do, from the webs that you visit to the time you spend in the toilet, just everything, so i feel a bit like under the eye of the big brother most part of my day, thing that I've never liked. Also they have this sect ways so American. You know, "our company is the best", "our workers are the best", "to work is fun" and things like that. Things that i can listen about ten times per day easily and sooner or later i guess i will start to believe, even when i am probably the most skeptical man i know.

I have to wake up now at seven to be at work at nine and a half, -one hour travel, bus plus trolley- but the two first weeks i had to wake up at six, and all the ones who know me well can imagine what it meant to me. For those who doesn't know me so well or just doesn't know me, for 3 years that was my time to start to think about going to sleep, so the change in my life was huge. But about he job i will have so many chances to write and i don't have so much time now, so i will go on with other topics.

Again i was at Otepää, or to be more precise, at Kunstimäe. - http://www.kunstimae.ee/ -
This time was a five day party to celebrate the shortest night of the year, even when actually there was no night at all. Again the place was too beautiful to describe  it, the weather had some considerations with us and only rained a bit a couple of days, and in general was so pleasant to be there. Good music almost 24h per day, cold beer and so many people. Few not-so-good things happened also, but those ones shouldn't be said here. I only wanted to say that without vodka or nasty hangovers the place is even better. Oh! and also i can say now that I'm not the only Spanish man who can't play football anymore. It seems I'm quite good throwing free kicks. Who could imagine that?

It's being a Spanish summer, with quite many days over 30º and i still wonder where is that cold who scares everyone here. I guess when the autumn will introduce it to me will be too late to run away, but still I'm curious, for now it's being way much better weather than any summer at Ribadeo, to put an example.

And now to finish for today i will let you just a brush stroke of what probably will be the main subject of my next posts. The search for a flat in Tallinn, or "How to live in a decent place without selling your soul to the real estate agents".

I hope next post will be soon, but just in case be good and behave meanwhile.

lunes, 30 de mayo de 2011

#spanishrevolution for foreigners

Today my post will be about something that i really don't want to speak about here. A bit more than a month ago, when i decided to write this blog i drew a line for myself. Here i didn't want to speak about sensitive topics like politics, religion or even football, i didn't want to mention full names when i'm speaking about people i care about, and didn't want to show faces in order to respect the privacy of those who are with me.

Some of that rules are already broken, even when i asked for permission to do it, but this time i'm afraid i will have to break another one. I won't dive deep analyzing the Spanish politics or politicians, but i'm going to set a few headlines of what is going on in Spain -and now all over Europe- with this movement called the Spanish revolution.

First of all i should say that this movement is an apolitical and peaceful movement that just wants to complaint about how rotten is the system right now. It's a social network phenomena that started few days before the local elections had happen in Spain on may the 15th and it was about taking some public squares and sit there to protest in a peaceful way against the system like it is now. Just to sit in the street should be a good way to be seen, to show to the politicians that the people is not happy with the present situation.

Spain is a quite big country, we're almost 50 million people now, and in such a big country the situation is this. There are two big parties that controls about the 95% of the parliament. According with the present electoral system you only can vote for one party, but you can't decide or even have an opinion about the people that will represent that party and defend your ideas at the parliament. That means that the parties itself, who are financed by banks or private institutions or people, are the ones who decide who will be there, who will represent the votes that they could collect. And that means also that as far as they owe quite many favors to the people and institutions who support them, the members of parliament aren't chosen with your votes but yes according with the interests of the party, not even with the interests of the country.


That situation lead us to the present, where hundreds of elected politicians are waiting for a sentence in proceedings related to corruption, misappropriate public funds and many other similar cases. Also the ones who are already condemned are kind of popular heroes and the very few that had to go to the jail live there with the benefits of a luxury hotel. 


It's true that the innocence of everyone should be presumed until there are evidences against it, but the voters who are exercising their human right to vote shouldn't have to deal with those ridiculous situations. You can have your ideas about which party do you want to have as your representative at the parliament, but you can't choose who will be and maybe you have some issues with the people chosen by the party to do such job, but you have no rights to say anything against it. Only to wait 4 more years and change your vote, putting yourself in the same situation again but with the opposite party.

For me at least that's the main thing that the spanish revolution wants to achieve. Open lists in the elections, in order to choose by yourself the people that you think could represent your ideas or hopes in the best way. You choose the party but also who will be the people who will be there to represent you and defend your ideas.


Also, as far as this is a movement created by the hopeless youth they just ask for really basic things that probably could help changing a bit this worldwide crisis situation. Here it goes a list of the demands.


1.- No more privileges for the politicians.
In the present they have so many privileges. For life pays, fiscal benefits and many other things that only them can have, discriminating all the other workers and making that to be a politician can be something so profitable, even if you don't care about politics.


2.- A proper plan against the unemployment.
Human rights chart says that everyone has the right to work, but that's not real in our present society.


3.- The right to have a place to live.
Another human right that because of the banks and speculators it's an utopia.

4.- Good and competent public services.
You have to be in Spain to know what is this about, but bureaucracy and money wasting in public services could be our second names. There should be someone to control the budgets and the way the money is spent.


5.- Control of the banks.
There should be a government agency to control the way the banks operates and how many debts they can create.

6.- Tax system.
Here quite many modifications are needed, but the main one should be higher taxes for the people or companies who has more, pure common sense.


There are quite many other things that should be changed or modified, but those are the main pillars of the spanish revolution movement. The reason why there are more than one million people camping in so many places all over Spain. As the situation in Europe it's not so different this movement is spreading all over Europe. France, Italy, Greece, Netherlands... are some of the countries that are starting to join this movement.


As my intention is so far to give political advices or opinions, to create anxiety or any other thing but explaining the facts, i won't speak about how the government are dealing with this manifestations. Just to say that in youtube it's quite easy to find how the police beated people in Barcelona this weekend or yesterday in Paris.
Look for them and create your own opinion about it.


Probably this will end not changing so many things, but now the seed it's planted. The idea is in so many heads already and i really hope that this young people  that is fighting with their presence, but with no violence, against the present situation, will get the power soon in order to go back to the basic. The people wellness, and not just the companies one.


I hope this wasn't too boring for all of you, but from here it's all i can do to help what i really hope will be the future of my country.


Seeya!

domingo, 29 de mayo de 2011

A long weekend

Good afternoon!

It's being a weird time for me, a time of changes. In a week i will start to work after three years without working and i'm a bit scared of it. Not because of the job itself, which i think it won't be a challenge at all for me, but because of the new routines i will have to learn again.

Three years is a lot of time, specially when every single day is the same like in that Bill Murray's movie "The groundhog day" For so long i just used to wake up at lunchtime, to have a couple of coffees, to have some lunch, to watch tv, to be sitting in front of the computer and like that until i could see the sunlight, that was the indicator to go to sleep again.

My new routines will have to be so different to that life that i've been living for such a long time and even when since i came to Estonia i worked a lot on them i still don't really know how well i will stand a 9 to 5 job, to wake up at 7 or earlier to arrive on time to the workplace and to have only two or three hours for myself everyday.

Maybe because of that, maybe because of the spring or because it was the time for it the fact is that i'm going out more than ever in so so many time. That is so good because it means at last i'm kind of fixed, but also means that i'm going back to the nightlife, just the opposite of what i will need from next week.

Social life here in Estonia for me is priceless. I don't have the chance to meet many people if it's not in this way, going to parties or going out with my friends here. I speak everyday with people, but you know, it's not the same the way you can speak while you are having lunch than when you are in front of a beer in a pub. And those conversations are really important too, even when for so long i was too inside myself to be able to enjoy them.

This weekend again luckily i can say that i had fun. A lot of fun. And that i went out more than once. On friday i went to explore the old town nightlife. My dear friend and me took our pith helmets, our binoculars and went in the seek for wild animals like tigers, leopards and zebras. We found seven in the end after a pleasant but short night together. Some drinks, some really needed chats and the feeling of the friendship growing and growing, thing that for me at least is a big need. Great friday that ended later at home having another really needed conversation, a conversation that had to happen in the nineties and had to wait until the second decade of the XXI century. I am so messy, but this was just too much.


And then the saturday arrived. In the morning the only plan already made was to go to a concert of my friend's choir. They sing in a folk choir, those ones that are so popular and important in every single way here. The concert was a night one, at 23h -really late here for any activity- and in a beautiful place, a castle placed in the middle of a nice and charming park, even when it was completely full of mosquitoes. The thing is that in the end i went to a birthday party before and after the concert. The concert itself was so good, as it was the place where it happened. Some new songs that i've never heard before and were quite moving. It was so cool. But the party was cooler i have to say. They rented a place to do it, there was catering, a waiter, all sorts of drinks and even a wonderful coffee machine. We brought there the same sound equipment that we had in the Otepää party of last week and well, that was a good party. Good music with friends being the DJ's, good and tasty food, variety in drinks... the ideal for any party but for real. Even all the girls were beautiful. We were there having fun until 4 AM and then we went to eat pizza. This city has wonderful things.

I just hope to not be late my first day of work.

Now some pictures of this weekend. The blurry ones are like that on purpose.














PS: Sorry about the style today, as far as i didn't sleep more than few hours my writing style can't be so good today.

PS2: It's always cool to see the dawn of the day at 3 and something AM, don't you think?


miércoles, 25 de mayo de 2011

La insoportable "soledad" del ser.

Buenas tardes.

Hacía ya varios días que no escribía nada en castellano y como hay alguno que se queja de eso, este post será en el idioma patrio.

Hay días que son mejores que otros, bien sea en cuanto a lo bien que te sientes, a tu estado anímico, al tiempo que hace, a la suerte que tengas... En fin, hay miles de factores que pueden condicionar un día cualesquiera y transformarlo en el mejor o peor día de tu vida. Esto de en mejor o peor es un poco como lo del fútbol, ahora que ya se ha acabado la liga hemos podido ver como en las ultimas semanas ha habido como cuatro partidos del siglo, es decir, todo es relativo, pero tendemos a quedarnos con el ultimo momento que nos ha provocado una emoción intensa, bien sea buena o mala, como la mejor o peor respectivamente.

Evidentemente y como podréis suponer, el mio de hoy no es el mejor posible. De tener que definirlo solo con una palabra, esa sería resignación. Es curioso como cuando tienes un día excelente, cuando todo es bello y perfecto, no tienes ganas de compartirlo, de salir a la calle y gritar que tienes un día excelente. En mi caso al menos me limito a tener una sonrisa bovina y a disfrutarlo. Tiendo a ser egoísta con esos días, son tan pocos que solo intento disfrutarlos al máximo yo solo. Solo los que me ven o me leen se dan cuenta de como estoy.

El caso es que como habéis podido leer en los anteriores posts he tenido un fin de semana muy intenso, agotador en lo físico y mental y en donde he tenido que asumir ciertas cosas que no tenía especial interés en asumir. Pese a todo lo bueno que he vivido, que ha sido mucho, también ha habido cosillas que me han desestabilizado un poco. La realidad a veces es cruel y no apetece verla hasta que chocas de frente con ella. Y supongo que esto es lo que me está pasando.

Estos días he estado con mucha gente, he hecho nuevos amigos, he podido disfrutar a ratos de los que ya tenía, pero un mes después de haber llegado a Estonia también me estoy dando cuenta de lo solo que se puede estar aún estando con gente y de lo necesario que es el amor en mi vida.

Tras 16 años prácticamente seguidos con parejas, en cada caso relaciones extremadamente largas y/o estables, decidí tomarme un tiempo para estar solo. Ese tiempo me ha enseñado que necesito sentirme querido mas que ninguna otra cosa en el mundo. Puedo tener lo que sea, puedo hacer lo que quiera, que mientras que no tenga amor no puedo ser feliz. Eso es lo que he aprendido de mi mismo en estos últimos meses y ahora que lo se, cada día que reafirmo esa lección se me hace mas duro que el anterior.

La decisión de venirme a Estonia fue compleja, condicionada por muchos factores, no todos perfectamente comprensibles para todo el mundo, pero de los que estaba y aun estoy muy seguro. Eso si, no había tenido en cuenta ese pequeño factor. Con novia o sin ella necesito amor, necesito que de vez en cuanto alguien a quien aprecio me diga lo mucho que me quiere, una caricia, un abrazo o un beso. Y bueno, eso aquí es imposible de conseguir. Estonia tiene muchas cosas buenas, pero los estonios que yo conozco al menos tienen un corazón tirando a gélido. Sus sentimientos son suyos y no sienten la necesidad de mostrarlos ni expresarlos y mucho menos aún compartirlos. Si a esto le sumamos que yo no dejo de ser un extraño y que si necesito esas cosas, esa honestidad en cuanto a lo sentimental, tenemos una mezcla bastante explosiva en donde yo siempre tengo las de perder.

No se si llegaré a tener una novia Estonia algún día, aunque a priori y mientras lleve la vida que llevo es prácticamente imposible, pero es algo que cada día que pasa necesito mas. Necesito llegar a casa y que alguien me pregunte que tal ha ido el día, que antes de dormirme me de las buenas noches, que cuando me levante por la mañana me sonría con cara de sueño. Cosas que son muy sencillas y muy básicas, pero que aquí escasean tanto como el aceite de oliva.

Solo espero que en cuanto empiece a trabajar y me mude a mi propio piso cambie algo respecto a este tema. Aún no se si duele mas llegar a casa y que no haya nadie para saludarte o que si lo haya y simplemente no lo haga. Lo que tengo claro es que esta segunda opción está empezando a pasarme factura. Es como tener un caramelo sobre la mesa y no poder comerlo. Y lo que es peor, cada día pienso mas sobre ello y mas me como la cabeza. Hoy es uno de los días que mas español me he sentido desde que he llegado a Estonia, y no ha sido para bien.

Mi manera de ser es un poco peculiar, mucho de hecho, pero siempre lo doy todo y espero recibir algo de vuelta. Ese sistema aquí no funciona. O no con la gente que yo conozco al menos, y eso me esta volviendo loco. Mataría por una caricia ahora mismo.

Cuidaos y sed buenos, yo mientras esperaré aquí a que el nitrógeno líquido que me inyectan en vena a diario me congele el corazón a mi también mientras me tomo una lata xxl de cerveza. Así al menos espero poder soportar mi día a día, donde cada cosa que pasa y que no puedo cambiar me mata de pena.

The party (Chpt. 2)

Tere hommikust.

Now i guess i can go on with my stories about this long and intense weekend. After a night without sleeping and seven chapters of Sons Of Anarchy in a row i really needed some rest.

We were on friday, when the real party started. After a common morning, or maybe not so common because we had an unbelievable spring day and we could have a nice lunch at the yard, i started to pack my stuff for the weekend, luckily i was clever enough to pick up some pills for my stomach, thing that was really useful on saturday morning. About mid afternoon our friends arrived to pick me up and we started a really beautiful trip across Estonia, from Tallinn to a place quite close from Tartu called Otepää. In there, about 10 or 15 km away was the house where we were going, Kunstimäe. The whole trip was so beautiful, going in the car as it were a magic carpet, flying over the endless estonian green fields and the birch trees forests. After several pit stops where we refuelled our souls and took incredible pictures, we arrived to our destiny.

An amazing place next to a river, which we crossed through a charming little wooden bridge, with soft hills and the estonian spring in all its splendour. Just a dream place with endless gardens, a fairy tale pond and billions of birds singing. I almost couldn't believe that.

Our incredible hosts, always with a big smile in their faces, received us with a cold beer and we emptied the car to set the Hi-Fi equipment that we were carrying. Music it's always an important thing in a party, and when i could see the whole set working i knew that it wouldn't be a problem here. In a huge dining room, actually a whole house made with that purpose, like if it were a gigantic loft, we had al sorts of gadgets, from keyboards, synthesizers and microphones, to a couple of DJ turntables and a mixer. The dream of any amateur DJ -or not so amateur- would be the spinal bone for our party.

After a while the other guests started to arrive and the party itself started. Most of them were new people for me so i was jumping from one group to another, meeting new people, being introduced to each one of those friends that are going to this party for more than ten years already, and soon i could realized why it was so good and successful.

As any estonian party i've been into until now there was a lot to drink and eat. We made an informal dinner next to a bar and started to drink meanwhile the music was starting to warm up the party as we were doing with our bodies with the beers, mojitos and vodka.

The vodka should deserve a whole chapter, but i'll try to put everything here. This party was about the birthday of one of our hosts, and he was quite interested in showing me the vodka tradition. So after several tries that i refused to drink it, i agreed to try one. They drink it in a specific way. There must be prickles or tomato slices to eat after drink it and every glass of it deserves a toast. In this case a birthday was reason enough to make so many toasts, so even when i skipped quite many of them in the end i had like 15 and well... Last time i was so drunk like that probably i still hadn't a proper beard. Was a nightmare. Feeling that dizziness that only alcohol can give. Having to keep my eyes closed to not feel like if i were in a carousel or a Ferris wheel. Felling asleep in the garden, in the toilet... a complete mess. I was green like a lime and i was feeling like someone were wanting to rip my stomach trough the mouth with bare hands. About 2 AM i just couldn't go on. Somehow i could reach my bed and fell dead until next day. The Spanish dude had an incredible society presentation. Could it be worse? I still feel ashamed of myself, even when everybody else was quite drunk too.

Saturday morning i had to take those pills i brought for my stomach. It was pure fire. But surprisingly the hangover wasn't so bad as i expected, only my stomach was so bad.

I woke up, went outside and had a breakfast lying in the grass under the sun while the kids were playing and the other friends were turning red slowly while i only could be even more tanned.


After the breakfast, some rest and so so many mosquito bites we started to work. Kunstimäe it's not only the house that my friend's parents have, it's also a Rural Hotel and there is always a lot of work to do, so the party is about that also, we go there and have fun but also we help a bit with the hard work. Being so many people even the hardest task it's easy to do. And it's what we did. We worked until lunchtime, had a lunch and some rest, then a bit more of work and then party again. This time at the sauna. Most part of the girls and me too were too bad to party, so i just went to see how it was, but i couldn't start again with the vodka or whatever else. Again i gave up early, but the party was so good as i could see in my room mates when they arrived. Wasted was not enough to describe them.

Sunday again was the same thing, wonderful breakfast, some sunbaths, some work, wonderful lunch and some rest until we came back to Tallinn. The weekend was exhausting but just too good. Even with my issues with the vodka one of the best parties i've been into in last years.

Thank you all -you know who i mean- for your hospitality and your patience with the brown Spaniard who came to the land of snow. I hope to be back in there soon.










martes, 24 de mayo de 2011

The party (Chpt. 1)

Tere Hommikust.

First of all i must say sorry to take so long to write this new post in the blog, i've been quite busy last days or too bad to write aything, so i hope you will understand the delay.

My last post was on wednesday and since then i've been in a kind of non stop party until sunday that made me be most part of the day in the bed yesterday. In that time i made new friends, i became first a fan and then a hater of vodka, i saw one of the most beautiful places i've ever been in and i realized how bad is the situation in my beloved country, Spain, so let's start to analyse all of those things.

Everything started with an innocent barbecue. We had no idea of what to have for dinner on thursday, so we made a barbecue with some wood that we had after pruning the trees of the yard. I went to buy some meat and sausages, some beer and of course some wine meanwhile my mate here started with the fire, but when i came back from the shop we had guests, so what in the beginning was planned just as a warm dinner became a totally unexpected party. Most of us were just drinking, hanging around and watching funny videos until 2 AM here in the yard where i'm writing this right now, when the guest and i were just too wasted to go on and decided to end the party. That night i wasn't so OK because i had other things to think about, so it was so glad that someone could be with me until that time and could let me less time to think. Even with that was a long night for me after the party, but that's another story.

I always keep my promises and i promised to my new friend to share a video that he showed me. It's just too funny and we laughed a lot with it, so i really hope you too.


Lyrics:
Oooh, yeah
What, what
MC Vagina's right back in this bitch
Two thousand nine is the year that I recorded this song
Still not loving police
Still got love for the vaginal crease
Player haters beware, because

Guns don't kill people, uh uh
I kill people with guns
Pow
Guns don't kill people, uh uh
I kill people with guns
Pow

Hey punkass gangsters, what you lookin' at
You think you can front with me, you better watch your back
Because I have a lot of guns and I can shoot them good
I'm a menace from society, a boy on the hood
I'm invincible like Bruce Willis in the movie "Invincible"
I'm invisible like... well, I'm not really invisible
I'm bad like the movie "Attack of the clones"
I'm dangerous like a fire in a nursing home
Old people burning, old people burning
Put your hands up
Old people burning, old people burning
That's kinda messed up
What, what, you got a problem with this
Maybe I should kick you in the face with my fist
Because on top of guns I know karate and ninja stuff
So if you'll come at me I'll trip you then I'll suck your nuts
I-i mean I'll punch your nuts
Sucking them would be gay and I'm totally not gay
I'm all about V.A.G.I.N.A.

Guns don't kill people, uh uh
I kill people with guns
Pow
Guns don't kill people, uh uh
I kill people with guns
Pow

If a guy messes with me I shoot him with my load
All over his chest and face and down his throat
'Cos I don't give a fuck, I'm crazy, like Mel Gibson
No, wait, that just makes me sound racist
Listen, I buy a lot of expensive things because I have a lot of money
You can't afford expensive things 'cos you don't have a lot of money
Ha-ha, you want these things, but you cannot afford them
That means that you're not cool, 'cos you're just a poor person
Stupid poor people, stupid poor people
I have more money than you do
Stupid poor people, stupid poor people
You can't even afford food
When I show women my money, they want to have sex with me
And they always have orgasms 'cos my penis is so big
Twenty five inches long and twelve inches thick
I'm the Anthony Hopkins of cock, the Albert Einstein of dick
I'm the Beatles of cumshots, the Mozart of huge balls
The Anne Frank of erections
No... that's inappropriate
Everybody knows that my rhymes are really tight
Like an extra large condom on my penis, that's right
My lyrics are like the movie "The Shawshank Redemption"
They're really good

Guns don't kill people, uh uh
I kill people with guns
Pow
Guns don't kill people, uh uh
I kill people with guns
Pow

I've killed so many people that I don't even remember how many people I've killed
But it's probably around seven... thousand
Two thousand five plus four pennies representing the north side
C to the anada, bitch
Oh, yeah, women are actually good for four things
Cooking, cleaning, vaginas and their sisters' vaginas.

I still laugh with it, but i hope you can take it as it is, a joke, not a serious song.

After that night was already friday and we went to THE PARTY in capital letters.

But that will be in next chapter. 

miércoles, 18 de mayo de 2011

Rock & Roll Baby!

Good morning!

Today i think we all need some videos to cheer up ourselves. I'm feeling into the rock'n'roll mode, so that is exactly what you are going to get. Enjoy!

1.- AC/DC - Let there be rock -I would love to be in that mass-



2.- Kiss - Rock & Roll al nite - I never liked the look of those guys, but they are so damn funny-



3.-The Stooges - Search and destroy - Just pure attitude -


 

4.- The Ramones - I wanna be sedated - One of the very first songs i learned to play -



5.- The Trashmen - Surfin' bird - Surf baby, surf! -



6.- Jim Jones Revue - Rock 'n' roll psychosis - I LOVE this band -



7.- The Beatles - Helter Skelter - Probably the song which started it all -



8.- The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion - Calvin - Another great band -


9.- Doctor Explosion - Drácula ye-ye - A superfunny spanish band -




10.- The Cramps - Garbage man - Do you understand? -



And with this, this post dedicated to rock & surf music is over. I'll add a bonus track now because when we are speaking about rock AC/DC deserves at least a couple of songs, it's just that this one will be a bit... different.



Have fun and be good.

*All those songs are songs that i like, but that doesn't mean that are my favourites, are the ones i want you to listen today.

martes, 17 de mayo de 2011

And i got the job

Tere hommikust!

Today will be two or three posts at least, as far as i had this blog quite abandoned. Those few days were quite intense, so i really hadn't time or the right mood to write anything.

The very first new should be that i'm writing in my new laptop now. Finally i could get one, my first one ever, and i'm quite happy with it, if it weren't because of the games i guess i should have had one long ago. In this country where you can do everything online and there's free wifi almost everywhere it's definitely a "must have" item.

And the second big new it's something that i've been needing badly for so long, 3 years now. One of the main reasons to come to Estonia to live was that i needed a job, and well, i have it now. When i arrived i had a long conversation with myself about what should be my list of priorities here and what should i do about myself. As many of you know i had a really long dark period in my life, where everything i care about or could matter for me just faded away. I lost everything i loved or wanted and my intention was to reborn here as the phoenix would do, from it's ashes. So i set a list of priorities for myself. the very first one was to know my new environment, the city and the culture, in order to know how to behave here. But just after that i knew i needed a job.

I've been looking for one in Spain for quite long time and i wasn't called even to make an interview -otherwise i would be in Spain because of something that i'll explain later- and i was starting to be desperate. My unemployment pay was over, i had no hopes about the future, and suddenly a new door appeared, the possibility of coming here and start again. So i took the very first risky decision in so many years. To migrate to the north. I don't regret it. For now it's being the best decision i could take in a very very long time.

I spent 2 weeks doing nothing else than to walk around, watch and take notes about what i could discover every day. And when i felt i could be ready to come back to real life i started to look for a job. I did it online, as every other single thing here in Estonia, and just after 2 days they called me to set an interview. I made a couple of interviews before by phone and in the end we dated to make a personal interview.

As any other single interview i could do in my life i passed it and i got the job, so in 3 weeks for now i will be part of the estonian workforce and i'll close forever the most difficult chapter in my life.

Now only a couple of things more has to change to feel full and happy, but those will take time and aren't things that i can do just wishing them, so i'll have to be patient, thing that i'm not when i really know what i want. That things and the process to have them are so suitable to make huge mistakes, some of them actually are already made, but you know, nobody is perfect, and me even less. I will have to learn to enjoy the unexpected and to be able to understand that not everything can be as i would want to. I'm too used to have everything i want and sometimes there are things that are just impossible to reach.

For now i will enjoy what i have, i'll look for my own space as far as it seems i will have money enough to have a pleasant life here in Estonia, and after that who knows, i'm a lucky bastard, so maybe what i have is what i deserve and nothing else. I shouldn't complaint at all, it's more than what many people has, so i shouldn't be greedy, but yes ambitious. I won't give up in the search of my own happiness, i just will have to take a break, not get obsessed and start to enjoy what i already have, which is a lot.

Seeya!

24 h party people

Buenas tardes.

Hoy estoy algo resacoso tras dos días de fiesta seguidos, las primeras salidas desde que estoy en Tallinn. Tenía muchísima curiosidad por salir aquí y ver como era esto de noche, ya que solo conocía hasta ahora la vida diurna y debo decir que me ha sorprendido un poco.

Me lo he pasado muy bien y las dos noches han sido totalmente diferentes entre si, lo cual también es bueno para tener un punto de vista un poco mas amplio sobre las noches Estonias.

La primera de las noches, con la mejor compañía posible, mis dos queridas anfitrionas -si, soy un tío con suerte- nos fuimos a un pub llamado Chicago. El sitio era de lo mas curioso. Un pub que ha debido costar muchñisimos miles de euros, ambientado en el Chicago de los años treinta, desde la decoración a los uniformes del personal, y con actuaciones en directo cada noche. Quizás no sea el sitio mas representativo de la noche Tallinesa puesto que es un sitio un poco caro y bastante "fashion", pero me sirvió para darme cuenta de una par de diferencias bastante importantes respecto a España. Lo primero y mas chocante es que en Tallinn cuando sales comes. Con esto quiero decir que por ejemplo nuestro pedido fueron 3 gintonics y unas alitas de pollo. Todo el mundo, en todas las mesas estaba comiendo algo mientras tomaban sus copas y eso es algo que me resultó de lo mas chocante. En especial lo de pedir las copas con carta me resultó hasta gracioso. El sitio es tirando a caro, pero tenía tantas ganas de salir que me dio igual.
http://www.chicago.ee/est/galerii/
En ese enlace os haréis una idea mejor de como es el sitio. Lamentablemente esa noche no saque la cámara, así que no tengo fotos propias.

Respecto a la "fauna" del lugar, pude ver a unas cuantas leopardas, tigresas y cebras, es decir, chicas con vestidos imposibles estampados con esos diseños y que claramente iban pidiendo guerra. Todavía me pregunto como se podrá ligar en este país siendo la gente tan fría y sin usar el contacto físico, pero teniendo esa desinhibición a la hora de vestirse. También había mucho turista, algún que otro mafiosete ruso y algún que otro borracho. Audiencia ecléctica como os estaréis dando cuenta.

La segunda fiesta fue otro lado de la noche estonia que quería conocer. Una fiesta de cumpleaños en una casa en el campo.

No pensaba salir esa noche puesto que la anterior me había dejado un tanto maltrecho, pero dije en voz alta que estaba o para acostarme o para volver a salir y me invitaron a la fiesta, así que no pude -ni quise- decir que no.

La fiesta era bastante relajada, unas 20 personas, todos amigos, que cada año se reúnen para ese cumpleaños y para ver eurovisión. Si amigos, Estonia es de esos países donde Eurovisión importa, donde hay una tradición al respecto y donde la gente conoce a los candidatos. No todo el mundo por supuesto, pero si es algo muy común. Hasta yo conocía a la representante estonia, así que con eso os lo digo todo.

La fiesta era la típica fiesta donde había picoteo para comer, varias tartas y alcohol, pero nada salvaje, en realidad un ambiente muy agradable. Como no, yo era la novedad en la fiesta, no es común tener a un español moreno como el carbón sentado a la mesa en un cumpleaños de amigos, todos estonios. Aun así debo decir que me sentí muy bien allí. Lo primero es que pude hablar con todo aquel que quiso hablar conmigo, que fueron la mayoría. Todavía me pregunto como podría haber sido lo opuesto, si yo me llevo a una de mis amigas a un cumpleaños en España. Realmente cuantos podrían hablar con ella? Lamentablemente conozco la respuesta por mis experiencias previas con una novia húngara que tuve. La diferencia cultural en ese sentido es abismal. Llevo algo mas de 3 semanas en estonia y aun no he necesitado hablar estonio ni una sola vez, aunque sigo queriendo aprenderlo y hablarlo, pero todo el mundo, o un porcentaje altísimo al menos, habla inglés con fluidez.

En la fiesta me pase la mayor parte del tiempo con mi cervecita, en la puerta de la casa, hablando con todo aquel que salía fuera, así que fue una fiesta de lo mas agradable.

Eso si, la resaca aún sobrevuela mi cabeza como un buitre que ha avistado un ñu enfermo.

Tere hommikust!

lunes, 9 de mayo de 2011

Una de fotos bonitas (menos en la que salgo yo)







And after the storm...

Tere Hommikust!

Today is a great day. It´s a sunny, warm and beautiful spring day. The kind of days when you feel alive and happy even when you don´t have special reasons for that. But in my case i do have quite many reasons to feel like that.

First of all because today it´s the first day after one of the best weekends i can remember.

I must say that on Thursday, when my weekend started i wasn´t feeling so good as you could read in my last post. My world was grey and cloudy, my feelings were so intense and not positive and everything seemed to be like a nightmare. But once again i´ve been saved. I had the chat that i needed so badly, a nice walk to the beach, i could open my heart almost completely and it really worked. The huge load that i was carrying for no reason just disappeared and since then,and  feeling so light i could enjoy all the things that i couldn´t enjoy before.

That delicious warm breeze made all the clouds that were covering everything around me, letting me see only the grey side of life, just melt. Thank you Miss Zoidberg for that breeze, it saved me again.

And since then everything was beautiful, relaxed, the kind of things that can make you feel alive. The pleasure of doing something nice with somebody that also fills you. Each minute was like one more breath of fresh air, that could fill my lungs and make my body work for some more time. Just too good. Someday i really hope to have those same feelings everyday and then i´ll be really complete. I´ll have the answer that i´ve been looking for for such a long time.

Lots of things were done, beautiful places were visited and even some really good pictures were taken. There was few negative things also, but nothing that could be bad enough to ruin one of the best weekends ever. I hope it wasn´t only me who could enjoy it that much. I´m sure i wasn´t.

Those last days, everything that happened in them were reason enough to come to Estonia and change my life forever.

I feel alive and happy.

This is for you my dear Miss Zoidberg.



viernes, 6 de mayo de 2011

Have you ever tried to turn it off and turn it on again?

Good morning.

Today i guess i won´t be able to write a happy post as i feel really bad. It´s funny because i have so many reasons to be happy today, the sun shines, we have a gorgeous spring day and in few hours i´ll have my first job interview in Estonia. I guess nothing could be better.

The point is that i´m a really confident person about myself and my capabilities. I´m quite clever and i´m old enough to have some backup from the experience too, so in my everyday life i always keep everything under control, i know exactly how and why the things happens like they do and most of the times i even can predict what will happen too. Of course i´m not a future teller, but somehow the facts tend to repeat in a certain way, so under known situations the most probable result of the mix of those situations can be predicted too. You know, it´s pure statistics after all, and by now, being 34 years old, my archive of possible situations and results is big enough to not make so many mistakes.

But that way of thinking, or that way of living, because actually it´s a way to live, can make you be in the razor´s edge. If you make a mistake and the result of your prediction it´s not the expected one, then you are lost. When you feel confident all the time about everything your instincts can be really out of shape, somehow makes you be more a machine than a human being. And if something fails, you have to reboot yourself. If you know how, of course.

So that´s exactly what it´s happening to me. Even being so experienced as i am, quite many situations of my new everyday life does not compute. I don´t have those experiences, feelings, situations and many other things in my hard drive. Nothing of the environment where i´m living in it´s stored, so even when the events are the same the results may vary referred to my predictions or previous experience.

I never was living abroad before, i´ve never had such a different culture and way of thinking around me before and i´m getting lost in it. My way of living and thinking doesn´t work here, what for me used to be solid pillars in my way of behaving doesn´t make sense anymore. I feel like a little boy that still can´t understand the world and feels so lost about everything.

The bad thing is that little boys aren´t fearful about experimenting and trying to understand the world just testing it. For them everything is new and funny, and they can´t feel any danger or fear. When you have that knowledge from a previous life it´s harder to understand what it is different and what it´s not, and of course you´re too cautious if not scared to the bone, to test anything and realize that world it´s not how it used to be. The one that you could understand and live in. In a certain way it´s easy to become a coward and get attached to the world you already knew, thing that happens everyday in world´s politics and politicians.

I guess that adaptation takes time and even more than time, attitude. But here is where i am a mess. I´m not patient at all, i mean, i can be with certain things, but with most of them the feeling of need´em for yesterday is much stronger than myself. And those two things, unpredictable environment plus being impatient it´s a really horrible mix. Experimentation takes time, not only to see the proper results of the experiment but also to be able to understand the process.

The instability and oversensitivity that are causing this adaptation process in me is making really horrible things. And unfortunately not only in me, what could be a expected situation. It´s making flow the worst of me, feelings and reactions that are buried in the deepest part of my heart most of the time and that now are flooding out of control and can -and actually they already did- hurt other people, really loved people. Awful instincts and feelings like rage, anger, self pity, to be jealous or envious about what other people can have and not me, are creating a kind of haze, a dark cloud that doesn´t let me see the real world outside it.

This situation is creating a monster that it´s not me and luckily now i noticed it, but i still wonder how to manage the situation. How i can be the real me again, how i can control that flood and close the gates of the dam again. I will need help, maybe i should go to the Netherlands and ask them how they manage with floods.

I know that it´s about time, about being patient and let the things happen, about get the job that i need so badly, have a daily routine and to have less time to think about things that never happened but in my mind, about be adapted of my new life and about be in peace with the world. I live in the world, but i can´t control it, just "surf" it in the best way i can. I could read not so long ago a sentence that made me think a lot.
"Life it´s what happens meanwhile you´re making other plans"

I´ve been worried most part of my life, for whatever reason. When my father died that became an illness, a real one. Now that i´m healed, coming to Estonia was a kind of test for myself. I needed to stop all those worries, i needed to feel alive, i needed to be brave and face new situations and more than anything else, to enjoy life. I always managed to skip that last part even when the life i had could be the dream of so many people. If i could see myself from outside me i´ve been "Le bon vivant" all my life. I have much more of what i deserve, i had an easy life, i always had a lot of luck in everything and was clever enough to solve the situations where i couldn´t be so lucky.

So why it is so hard for me to enjoy what i have and i always can find a reason to complaint and worry about?

That´s the million dollar question and it´s the answer i really hope to find here in Estonia, even when that answer is inside me i´ll need some help to find it and maybe risking everything i have i´ll be able to find it in the end. I just don´t want to become a monster to find it. I need to be more brave, to face the situations, because i really think that is just in there, in those actions, where i can find the answer i´ve been looking for forever.

For those i could hurt those last days. I´m really sorry.