If 6 was 9.

Buenos días.

Estos dias, como habreis podido deducir por mis anteriores posts, no estoy precisamente en mi mejor momento. Necesito muchas cosas que no puedo conseguir por mi mismo. Siento la impotencia del que no depende de si mismo y se siente como un muñeco en manos de un niño travieso. Tan pronto puedo recibir un abrazo como ser lanzado contra la pared, aparentemente por ninguna razón en concreto.

Siento que esta aventura que empezó a gestarse hace ahora exactamente un año no ha salido exactamente como esperaba, pero también se que solo me queda la resignación y seguir adelante. No hay vuelta atrás por muchas razones, algunas de ellas tan prosaicas como la falta de trabajo y dinero en España. Asi que dada esa situación, cuando todos mis ahorros han financiado esta aventura, no me queda otra que sacarla adelante a cualquier precio y como sea. Simplemente no hay vuelta atras, solo puedo mirar hacia delante.

Por el camino he dejado atrás casi todo lo que me importa, mis posesiones, mi casa, las personas que me han querido y han compartido mi vida... Bueno, ese es otro episodio que duele demasiado como para meterlo en la aventura Estonia, y aunque que haya acabado aqui ha sido una consecuencia mas o menos directa de eso, prefiero dejar el tema aparte por ahora. Tengo ya demasiadas emociones negativas con las que lidiar sin añadir extras. Y hay otra cosa, quizas la mas importante, que sin haberla dejado atras, es tan dificil de sentir y disfrutar debido a la distancia que parece algo del pasado. Vosotros, mis amigos, mi gente.

Cuando llegue aqui sabía que tendría un vacío enorme, sabía que podria sentirme solo, pero pensaba que ese vacío no sería tan grande o al menos sería mas llevadero por tener a alguien conocido aqui también.

Siempre he sido bastante solitario, nunca he necesitado demasiado al presencia física de alguien para sentirme bien y bueno, todos los que me conoceis bien sabeis que mis ultimos 3 años han sido de ermitaño, salvo que alguien viniese a verme a mi casa era realmente dificil verme, no salía nunca y simplemente con mi PC, la Xbox y la tele tenía relativamente cubiertas mis necesidades de ocio, sin para ello necesitar interactuar con gente. Esa podría ser la situación aqui, o un buen entrenamiento al menos, pero hay una diferencia fundamental, extremadamente importante, que hace que todo lo que me haya podido aislar en el pasado no me sirva de nada aqui. Cuando estaba en esa fase, durante y justo despues de mi depresión tras la muerte de mi padre, para mi el estar solo era una elección, pero siempre tenía a mi gente arropandome, esperando a que saliese de mi cueva para darme un abrazo. Una llamada de teléfono era todo lo que necesitaba para poder hacer un plan, para poder charlar sobre todo o nada, según fuese el dia. Para ir a ver a alguien o recibir una visita.

Eso es algo que si he dejado atras, o para ser mas preciso, no atrás, sino en España. Aqui el hacer una llamada de teléfono solo me lleva a un NO, el llamar para simplemente hablar de lo que sea y no sentirme solo o contactar por skype obtiene un "Estoy ocupad@" o a una respuesta cortante por el estilo (cuando hay respuesta), proponer un plan sabiendo cual va a ser la respuesta se me hace cada vez mas duro a medida que pasan los meses. El ser rechazado una y otra vez, sumado a la soledad me ha comido la moral hasta límites insospechados, incluso cuando estaba en ese agujero negro que todo lo absorbe llamado depresión, tenía la seguridad de que era mi elección el tener compañia para desahogarme o no. Ahora si la sigo teniendo, pero solo llamando a España. Aqui no he conseguido eso ni nada que se le parezca. Las pocas opciones que tengo de hablar con alguien aqui fuera del trabajo siempre tienen cualquier otra cosa mejor que hacer. Cualquier disculpa es buena y todo, absolutamente todo es mas importante que yo. No puedo juzgarlo, me he visto en el otro lado de esta historia, trayendo a alguien a mi pais desde otro sitio totalmente diferente. En mi caso al menos hice todo lo posible por ayudar en la adaptación y por supuesto ni una solo dia deje de preguntar acerca de como se sentia o como podia ayudarla a sentirse mejor, pero esta claro que cada uno es diferente. Durante muchos meses no he podido entenderlo, aún a dia de hoy me cuesta, pero lo entienda o no es lo que hay. Si quiero sobrevivir a esta aventura solo podre hacerlo solo y sin apoyos. Si en un momento dado tengo algun tipo de contacto social intentare disfrutarlo tanto como pueda, pero lo que está visto que no puedo hacer es esperar nada de nadie aqui. Lo unico que puedo conseguir con eso es dolor, frustración e impotencia.

Asi que a partir del 7 de Enero, cuando lamentablemente tendre que volver de España, empezará un nuevo episodio de esta aventura. Un episodio donde estaré solo ante el peligro, pero sabiendolo. Donde solamente mi trabajo y mis propios recursos seran los que me saquen adelante. No contando con nadie mas para nada. Si he podido soportarlo con cierta soltura cuando era una elección debería ser capaz de soportarlo tambien cuando no lo es. No?

En fin, creo que debo dejar de escribir por hoy, esto de escribir párrafos, o líneas, o a veces palabras sueltas entre llamada y llamada me estan haciendo perder la concentración. En realidad casi todo lo que he escrito hoy ha salido solo y sin pensar. De hecho y como experimento no pienso ni revisarlo hasta que llegue a casa, tal y como lo he sentido lo leereis (si sois rapidos al menos).

A todos los que siempre habeis estado a mi lado, apoyandome en los buenos y malos momentos. gracias, de verdad.

With a little help from my friends.

Good morning.

Today i woke up more or less in the same mood i was yesterday. I guess the weather doesn't really help to feel any other thing than sadness. Today we are about 3 degrees, but there is a really strong wind that freezes everything, including my soul.

I don't really know if what i tried to write yesterday could be understood, and anyway i write this just for me, to keep some kind of record of what i was living when i wrote it. I will know for sure what i meant when i wrote it and as far as i really can't count on anyone else but me and maybe my family -and luckily most of them doesn't know about this blog- doesn't really matter if the other readers i can have, some of them friends, some of them just curious but nothing else, can understand it. If you are a friend and have doubts about what i wanted to say, or even what does it mean, because i'm aware quite many of my spanish friends needs our dear google translator to read me, just ask. Being friends probably you know how to reach me.

Everyday i wake up like after a nightmare, hoping that everything is nothing but a bad dream. Hoping that someone will call me to know how i'm doing, someone will send me a mail suggesting a plan, someone will say good morning on skype, wahtever... But everyday i see how my hopes are completely useless and no matter how strong i can hope it, it just won't happen.

So that's it, that's the life i have to live, under those conditions. By my own and alone. I gave up on any other thing. I won't have more than what i have, so it's pointless to put my hopes on something that will never happen, that will only frustrate me, and that is the last thing i need.

The only message i want to send today is for you people, my real friends in Spain. Please don't let me down you too when i arrive in 3 weeks. I really need you all. You are the only thing i have and what i need the most is to feel loved by you. I know there is no need to ask for that, but still i want to do it. Just 3 weeks and i'll be at home to recharge my batteries and recover my self esteem. I love you all.

Hugs & Kisses.

PS: This is written at work, so don't pay so much attention about how it is written. The only reason why it is in english is to not mess up my head with two languages while i'm working (in english).

A Winter's tale.

Hello all,

It's being a while since the last time i wrote in here. I promised myself this blog should be about to share my adventures in Estonia, positive thoughts and experiences, to show everyone that i could make it and maybe to inspire someone to do something like i did. But to be honest that didn't happen, since my last post i wasn't in the situation of writing anything nice. I've been sad, lonely and trying to figure out how to change the way i'm living.

So many things happened in those last months, almost none was even close to be good, and the very few things that could happen to me that were good enough to refill my patience a bit, I just tried to enjoy them as much as possible instead of writing them. I guess i was too needed of positive feelings and i hadn't time to write or think about them. Just to feel them and try to enjoy them as much as possible.

Just to put you in situation about my life I will make a small briefing now about the my life since the last post. Maybe not so many details, but at least the main things that could change since then,

Since August i'm living alone in a tiny apartment. It's near enough from work to not have to wake up 3 hours before I have to start my workday. The look of it could be better, but it's not bad at all, just sad, like everything else in here i guess. 50 m2 that became my cell. A cell where it's me who has the keys to leave it or lock myself inside anytime. Surprisingly the second option, to lock myself inside, became the most popular option. At least now i have a guitar to share my feelings with and the best present I've ever made to myself, a Kindle, my faithful mate who comes with me everywhere i go and provides me an automatic disconnection of this world, letting me get lost in other people's words every time i need to escape from here for a while.

Since i moved here my social life just ended. The people i knew just faded away and i can be for weeks (or months) without speaking with anyone else outside of the work hours, and now that the winter is already here it will only get worse. There are no more barbecues in the garden, there are no more play time with those tiny two guys who stole my heart, there are no more breakfast conversations and of course the chances of having a night out are rare (last time was like a month and a half ago).

I even tried to go out alone and well... It was almost more painful that to be at home alone and with no plans. The feeling of being invisible was new for me and maybe because of the unexpected of it, or whatever other reason it was, the thing is that my morale fell down to limits i didn't know it could fall. The breaking point was when in one of those nights out alone i went to a restaurant where I've been quite many times already. I picked up a tiny table (just for one) just in front of the bar. There were three bartenders that night in there and i could see how they were coming once and again just in front of my table, just to in the very last moment turn and go to any other table to write down their orders. Three whole tables were attended before i even had the chance of order when they arrived there after me. In the end i needed 45 minutes to order and about 15 to eat and get out of there with my invisibility elven cape on. When i was going back to the area where most of the bars are i found a group of girls, a bachelorette party. They were wearing those disgusting bunny ears, fake plastic boobs outside the dresses and all the penis shaped complements you can imagine. I thought at least with them i could laugh a bit, the kind of gross jokes that you can expect from a group like them or whatever. But  in the end what happened was a bit different, when we were about to meet in the same side of the street they just decided to change the side of the street. Not even one curious look was dedicated to me, but of course i was wearing the invisibility cape, so probably they couldn't see me at all.

I have quite may other experiences like those, but as i said in the very beginning of this post, this shouldn't be a sad blog, so i'll keep all those experiences for me. There's no need to depress or worry anybody else.

This weekend i had some hopes. I guess i needed to write today just to not freak out. There was a chance of meeting people (or i thought so) because the Christmas is about to arrive, the weekends from now will be busy for sure with the shopping, the Christmas arrangements, other events that are "mandatory" and so on, so i really thought in this weekend i could have a kind of pre-Christmas night out, just to say good bye before i go. In 3 weeks i'm going to Spain and i really thought someone could have mercy and meet me for a while. But no. My weekend plan was The Godfather, The Godfather II and few chapters of the series i'm following. This could be a good plan a year and a half ago, when i was so depressed that to go out was almost scary. When anyway i always had the chance to make a phone call, just one, and i knew i had a beer & tapas plan arranged for sure, if not a night out plan. When the chance of having a plan is there, just waiting for you to do it, sometimes you don't have to worry about it, you don't feel that it's so important as it is. When the possibilities are gone. When every social need that you can have depends on other people and there are really few chances to find out how to make a plan. When everything else is more important than you... well, in that moment you can realize how big were your errors in the past.

The time to complaint, the time to say how unfare is all of this is over i guess. I don't have any other chance. I can't make friends, i couldn't even keep the ones were supposed to be my friends, and that's all. I decided to come, i decided to leave my whole life apart and start a new one. And i did. Now i just need to figure out how to be successful in this one, and i have to do it alone, because is how i am. Alone.

Now i'm going to make some lunch. It's almost dinner time in here, but today i stayed in bed all day, after all i hadn't anything else to do.

Take care.