It's being a while since the last time i wrote in here. I promised myself this blog should be about to share my adventures in Estonia, positive thoughts and experiences, to show everyone that i could make it and maybe to inspire someone to do something like i did. But to be honest that didn't happen, since my last post i wasn't in the situation of writing anything nice. I've been sad, lonely and trying to figure out how to change the way i'm living.
So many things happened in those last months, almost none was even close to be good, and the very few things that could happen to me that were good enough to refill my patience a bit, I just tried to enjoy them as much as possible instead of writing them. I guess i was too needed of positive feelings and i hadn't time to write or think about them. Just to feel them and try to enjoy them as much as possible.
Just to put you in situation about my life I will make a small briefing now about the my life since the last post. Maybe not so many details, but at least the main things that could change since then,
Since August i'm living alone in a tiny apartment. It's near enough from work to not have to wake up 3 hours before I have to start my workday. The look of it could be better, but it's not bad at all, just sad, like everything else in here i guess. 50 m2 that became my cell. A cell where it's me who has the keys to leave it or lock myself inside anytime. Surprisingly the second option, to lock myself inside, became the most popular option. At least now i have a guitar to share my feelings with and the best present I've ever made to myself, a Kindle, my faithful mate who comes with me everywhere i go and provides me an automatic disconnection of this world, letting me get lost in other people's words every time i need to escape from here for a while.
Since i moved here my social life just ended. The people i knew just faded away and i can be for weeks (or months) without speaking with anyone else outside of the work hours, and now that the winter is already here it will only get worse. There are no more barbecues in the garden, there are no more play time with those tiny two guys who stole my heart, there are no more breakfast conversations and of course the chances of having a night out are rare (last time was like a month and a half ago).
I even tried to go out alone and well... It was almost more painful that to be at home alone and with no plans. The feeling of being invisible was new for me and maybe because of the unexpected of it, or whatever other reason it was, the thing is that my morale fell down to limits i didn't know it could fall. The breaking point was when in one of those nights out alone i went to a restaurant where I've been quite many times already. I picked up a tiny table (just for one) just in front of the bar. There were three bartenders that night in there and i could see how they were coming once and again just in front of my table, just to in the very last moment turn and go to any other table to write down their orders. Three whole tables were attended before i even had the chance of order when they arrived there after me. In the end i needed 45 minutes to order and about 15 to eat and get out of there with my invisibility elven cape on. When i was going back to the area where most of the bars are i found a group of girls, a bachelorette party. They were wearing those disgusting bunny ears, fake plastic boobs outside the dresses and all the penis shaped complements you can imagine. I thought at least with them i could laugh a bit, the kind of gross jokes that you can expect from a group like them or whatever. But in the end what happened was a bit different, when we were about to meet in the same side of the street they just decided to change the side of the street. Not even one curious look was dedicated to me, but of course i was wearing the invisibility cape, so probably they couldn't see me at all.
I have quite may other experiences like those, but as i said in the very beginning of this post, this shouldn't be a sad blog, so i'll keep all those experiences for me. There's no need to depress or worry anybody else.
This weekend i had some hopes. I guess i needed to write today just to not freak out. There was a chance of meeting people (or i thought so) because the Christmas is about to arrive, the weekends from now will be busy for sure with the shopping, the Christmas arrangements, other events that are "mandatory" and so on, so i really thought in this weekend i could have a kind of pre-Christmas night out, just to say good bye before i go. In 3 weeks i'm going to Spain and i really thought someone could have mercy and meet me for a while. But no. My weekend plan was The Godfather, The Godfather II and few chapters of the series i'm following. This could be a good plan a year and a half ago, when i was so depressed that to go out was almost scary. When anyway i always had the chance to make a phone call, just one, and i knew i had a beer & tapas plan arranged for sure, if not a night out plan. When the chance of having a plan is there, just waiting for you to do it, sometimes you don't have to worry about it, you don't feel that it's so important as it is. When the possibilities are gone. When every social need that you can have depends on other people and there are really few chances to find out how to make a plan. When everything else is more important than you... well, in that moment you can realize how big were your errors in the past.
The time to complaint, the time to say how unfare is all of this is over i guess. I don't have any other chance. I can't make friends, i couldn't even keep the ones were supposed to be my friends, and that's all. I decided to come, i decided to leave my whole life apart and start a new one. And i did. Now i just need to figure out how to be successful in this one, and i have to do it alone, because is how i am. Alone.
Now i'm going to make some lunch. It's almost dinner time in here, but today i stayed in bed all day, after all i hadn't anything else to do.