Today i guess i won´t be able to write a happy post as i feel really bad. It´s funny because i have so many reasons to be happy today, the sun shines, we have a gorgeous spring day and in few hours i´ll have my first job interview in Estonia. I guess nothing could be better.
The point is that i´m a really confident person about myself and my capabilities. I´m quite clever and i´m old enough to have some backup from the experience too, so in my everyday life i always keep everything under control, i know exactly how and why the things happens like they do and most of the times i even can predict what will happen too. Of course i´m not a future teller, but somehow the facts tend to repeat in a certain way, so under known situations the most probable result of the mix of those situations can be predicted too. You know, it´s pure statistics after all, and by now, being 34 years old, my archive of possible situations and results is big enough to not make so many mistakes.
But that way of thinking, or that way of living, because actually it´s a way to live, can make you be in the razor´s edge. If you make a mistake and the result of your prediction it´s not the expected one, then you are lost. When you feel confident all the time about everything your instincts can be really out of shape, somehow makes you be more a machine than a human being. And if something fails, you have to reboot yourself. If you know how, of course.
So that´s exactly what it´s happening to me. Even being so experienced as i am, quite many situations of my new everyday life does not compute. I don´t have those experiences, feelings, situations and many other things in my hard drive. Nothing of the environment where i´m living in it´s stored, so even when the events are the same the results may vary referred to my predictions or previous experience.
I never was living abroad before, i´ve never had such a different culture and way of thinking around me before and i´m getting lost in it. My way of living and thinking doesn´t work here, what for me used to be solid pillars in my way of behaving doesn´t make sense anymore. I feel like a little boy that still can´t understand the world and feels so lost about everything.
The bad thing is that little boys aren´t fearful about experimenting and trying to understand the world just testing it. For them everything is new and funny, and they can´t feel any danger or fear. When you have that knowledge from a previous life it´s harder to understand what it is different and what it´s not, and of course you´re too cautious if not scared to the bone, to test anything and realize that world it´s not how it used to be. The one that you could understand and live in. In a certain way it´s easy to become a coward and get attached to the world you already knew, thing that happens everyday in world´s politics and politicians.
I guess that adaptation takes time and even more than time, attitude. But here is where i am a mess. I´m not patient at all, i mean, i can be with certain things, but with most of them the feeling of need´em for yesterday is much stronger than myself. And those two things, unpredictable environment plus being impatient it´s a really horrible mix. Experimentation takes time, not only to see the proper results of the experiment but also to be able to understand the process.
The instability and oversensitivity that are causing this adaptation process in me is making really horrible things. And unfortunately not only in me, what could be a expected situation. It´s making flow the worst of me, feelings and reactions that are buried in the deepest part of my heart most of the time and that now are flooding out of control and can -and actually they already did- hurt other people, really loved people. Awful instincts and feelings like rage, anger, self pity, to be jealous or envious about what other people can have and not me, are creating a kind of haze, a dark cloud that doesn´t let me see the real world outside it.
This situation is creating a monster that it´s not me and luckily now i noticed it, but i still wonder how to manage the situation. How i can be the real me again, how i can control that flood and close the gates of the dam again. I will need help, maybe i should go to the Netherlands and ask them how they manage with floods.
I know that it´s about time, about being patient and let the things happen, about get the job that i need so badly, have a daily routine and to have less time to think about things that never happened but in my mind, about be adapted of my new life and about be in peace with the world. I live in the world, but i can´t control it, just "surf" it in the best way i can. I could read not so long ago a sentence that made me think a lot.
"Life it´s what happens meanwhile you´re making other plans"
I´ve been worried most part of my life, for whatever reason. When my father died that became an illness, a real one. Now that i´m healed, coming to Estonia was a kind of test for myself. I needed to stop all those worries, i needed to feel alive, i needed to be brave and face new situations and more than anything else, to enjoy life. I always managed to skip that last part even when the life i had could be the dream of so many people. If i could see myself from outside me i´ve been "Le bon vivant" all my life. I have much more of what i deserve, i had an easy life, i always had a lot of luck in everything and was clever enough to solve the situations where i couldn´t be so lucky.
So why it is so hard for me to enjoy what i have and i always can find a reason to complaint and worry about?
That´s the million dollar question and it´s the answer i really hope to find here in Estonia, even when that answer is inside me i´ll need some help to find it and maybe risking everything i have i´ll be able to find it in the end. I just don´t want to become a monster to find it. I need to be more brave, to face the situations, because i really think that is just in there, in those actions, where i can find the answer i´ve been looking for forever.
For those i could hurt those last days. I´m really sorry.