miércoles, 27 de abril de 2011

How blue can you get?

Good night. Tonight and as the result of a special request from a dear friend i´ll write my post in English.

This time it will be about to miss.

To miss is something really bad, not only because you don´t have what you want or need, but also because that feeling, to miss something or someone, can´t be healed with anything.

It can be really devastating when you lose someone important in your life, it can be a friend, a relative or even a pet. Nothing can calm that feeling of anxiety, of emptiness, that almost doesn't let you breathe. Just like if you had a big piece of meat in your throat that doesn't go up or down, but without the pleasure that can mean to have a piece of meat in the very first moment for some of you.

I have been feeling like that for so long, too long actually. I have lost too many things those last years, everything that could be important for me in one or other way is gone, and in most of the cases forever. That´s why i feel so shocked today. That feeling should be so familiar for me, and actually it is, but somehow today, and to be honest since yesterday, i´m feeling it almost stronger than ever.

There was a time when some doctors, or so they said, gave me a lot of pills to calm down those kind of pains, but soon i realized that they don´t work at all, not with me at least. You can feel dizzy, you can feel high, doped, or even you can feel that nothing else matters, but the pain is still there, ripping your heart slowly, like with a rusty blunt knife and the sadness spreads all over you. That pain is just too much to bear, so in the end you can get used to it and live with it, but there´s no way to deal with it or to have some peace of mind until that happens. It´s just that nothing helps.

Only hopeless love can hurt so bad like that feeling that i´ve been speaking about, actually because it´s almost the same. There´s only a difference, but a big one, in this case you´re missing what you never could have before, what you probably will never get, and you have no idea if that could be good for you anyway. Even with all of those challenges for the human common sense you can realize easily that common sense won´t work with love in a 95% of cases. Not with this kind of love at least.

The point is that i have a mix of pains, some because the lost things in the past, some because the ones i´ll never have, even if i can want them so much like to do whatever to reach those "dreams" that are just that, dreams.

Somehow it´s like to swim the half of an ocean to drawn in the shore of your goal. I just hope it was just one of those bad and sensitive days where everything seems to be bigger and more threatening. If it´s not then i have a problem. I guess i´ve been alone for too long. I wonder if any Estonian girl could be ever interested for a guy like me, specially because i can´t go back without trying what i needed to try and definitely i´ll need to feel loved to face all those challenges, only that will give me the strength i need.

What a strange sensation when you feel alone being surrounded for people. People that whenever it will come the time to go, and unfortunately one day it will happen, i don´t know how i will be able to express all the gratitude and love that i already feel for them. Maybe it can be also because of that, that i feel confused and sensitive. All the emotions that i´m living here are much much better and intense that the best of my dreams, so i would love to be a member of this lovely and really adorable family and unfortunately that´s not a possibility i guess.

Now i guess i´m rambling, it was a long and tough day, so let´s leave it for today.

Good night and lots of love for those who love me.

Once again a good blues can make a good resume of my messy mind:

Blues, blues trying to drive me away from home.
Blues, blues trying to drive me away from home.
Had the blues so bad, blues followed me all day long.

Blues, blues won't let me take my rest.
Blues, blues won't let me take my rest.
My mind is rambling like a wild geese out in the west.

Well, you're my all day steady, baby you're my midnight dream.
Yes, you're my all day steady, baby you're my midnight dream.
I love that woman better than anyone I've ever seen.

Blues, blues follow me all day long.
Blues, blues follow me all day long.
Blues, blues won't you please leave me alone

PD: Sorry about the lousy english, i´ve been thinking about all of this in spanish.

1 comentario: